FB-GB: Fruits Basket-Gender Bend
by Jet Dreamer
Summary: Tohru is more commonly a boy's name. So, what if Tohru was a boy? What would Yuki act like as the school princess? What would Kyo do if his name was Kaede? How would things be different if everyone's gender was flipped? More than you think! Read & Review.
1. Chapter 1

FB-GB

FB-GB

Jet: And Action!

Tohru: The following is a non-profit fan passed parody. 'Fruits Basket' is owned by Natsuki Takaya, Funimation, and TV Tokyo. Please support the official release!

Jet: Okay, good job Ms. Honda.

Tohru: Thank you, but this is a gender-bend fan-fiction. I'm so very sorry, but I'm not a girl.

Jet: But, your name's 'Tohru'?

Tohru: It's actually more common for a boy to be named 'Tohru'. Like Shigure & Yuki, my name doesn't change with the gender.

Jet:…Well, looks like I'm a member of the Yuki-fan-club now.

Tohru: WHAAA!?

Ch. 1: This Is Where the Fun Begins

A feminine voice creped over him, "I see you like animals."

The young man yelled in surprise, "OH! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be rude! I was just,"

The grown woman chuckled, "It's quite alright my boy. I just left the ornaments out to dry. Gaze all you want."

The adult admired the interest this high school boy had. Tilting her head, she noticed…other features on the boy.

As we know, men can build muscles easier than women. So because of his job, the night time janitor was noticeably fit. In this case, the woman was interested in his very firm, 'assets'.

His straight brown hair hung down to the base of his neck. On top of his 5'6 stature, the schoolboy uniform he wore was damn near criminal. But somehow, his innocent brown eyes are what fascinated the adult more than any of his other characteristics.

The female, now done with her eye candy stated, "I didn't think you youngsters were into old superstition."

The teen smiled, "I just love the legend of the zodiac animals." Returning his attention to the painted pieces of wood, "I suppose you wouldn't have the cat?"

'This boy is well informed.' The lady thought.

"The cat?" she asked. "Not a lot of people know about her."

"Yep. I'm a member of the 'year of the cat' fan-club!"

Under her breath, "I wonder what that hell-cat would say if she heard that."

"I'm sorry?" the boy asked.

Fanning her hand as if the problem was a physical thing to swat away, "Oh no my dear. It's nothing."

The full grown woman was dressed in a kimono, but wore it like a household robe. Like robes, it mainly showed off the person's chest. Boy, did this woman have a chest. Her nickname with one of her best friends was 'Double-D' after all.

Her shimmering black hair traveled down to her mid-back. She was an average heighted mid-twenties woman. Everything else about her was above average; especially the sexual appetite fixed in her down brown eyes.

"So, before I invite you in for a drink, I need to know your name."

Turning red in embarrassment and quickly bowing, "Oh I'm so sorry! How rude of me! My name is Tohru Honda. I'm a first year in high school." His hair swung a little as he came back up, "It's nice to meet you."

Giggling, "No need for all that my little pup. Just call me Shigure."

Found a little off-pace at the new nick-name, Tohru was hesitant to respond.

"'Pup'?" he repeated.

"Call me whatever you like, kitty." Shigure rolled her finger into her palm repeatedly and leaned against the wall, "Now come on in for a drink."

Before a single syllable left Tohru's mouth, Shigure was pushed off the porch by a thrown book-bag.

Standing over her cousin (whose face was in the dirt), the school princess made her appearance.

"Shigure." she sighed still a little tired, "What have I told you about flirting with boys my age?"

Looking up at the teen, "I wasn't flirting!"

The sarcasm dripped off of every syllable, "You're absolutely right! You were just trying to get Mr. Honda to impregnate you."

Tohru couldn't believe his eyes! He found the home of the school princess, Yuki Sohma!

"Hello Mr. Honda." Yuki greeted formally, "I'm sorry for my perverted cousin."

Tohru, brushing off certain dialogue that was presented in the past couple of seconds, "Oh, it's alright. I shouldn't have been intruding anyway." Like a nervous child in front of his beautiful crush, "I'll see you at school Yuki." Tohru tried to rush off.

Yuki spoke almost in reflex, "Well, Mr. Honda, we could walk to school together."

Shigure, now on her feet, squeezed Yuki like a stuffed animal and sang, "Aw, Yuki has a crush! Yuki has a crush!"

"Let me go before I destroy your manuscript." That was all the motivation Shigure needed to go back inside and work on her novel until lunch.

!

The moment Tohru separated from Yuki in the hall. Three nerds ran up to him.

"Alright! Start talking you punk!" The ring leader yelled.

"Excuse me?" Honda politely stated.

The second otaku pressed his finger against Tohru's nose, "Don't play dumb jackass! Everybody knows Yuki Sohma belongs to the 'Princess-Yuki-Fan-Club'!"

"She…belongs to you?" Honda asked wondering how that was even possible in this day and age.

"That's right! We know everything about her!" The three began to, one at a time, name qualities of their obsession.

"Like her 2 feet-5 inch long hair is often confused with being purple when it's actually lavender!"

"Plus that she is exactly 4 feet and 8 inches tall!"

"Her petite body weighs 110 pounds!"

"She can bench-press 215 pounds!"

"Her grades are as followed: Math: A+! Science: A+! History: A-! Literature: A! Gym: A+! English: A-! Sculpting A!"

"Her breasts are a 34 B-cup!"

"Her favorite color is sky blue!"

"Yesterday she wore pink polka-dot panties to school!"

"Her favorite type of food is vegetables!"

"When she eats, her tongue extends exactly 1.27 centimeters before putting the food in her mouth."

"Tell us, Mr. Honda! What do you know about our Yuki Sohma that we don't?"

Tohru stood there in shock after receiving such vulgar information about one person he barely knew.

Hoping it was all some dark themed joke, "I know that she really needs to lock her door at night." The fans, if you could determine if their mental state hadn't gone past insanity, took that as an insult.

The leader grabbed Tohru's tie, "Oh that's it! I'm gonna,"

A new character entered the fray with authority, "You bastards are gonna step off our boy!"

"Who the hell do you think you're tal-" the second clubber stared into the face of the school Yankee: Arika Uotani.

"Good morning Akira!" Tohru greeted casually.

Matching his politeness, "Good morning Tohru." Akira went back to the three bullies.

He pulled the leader off the ground to come face to face, "Alright, listen up! If I weren't having a good day, I wouldn't even be talking to you. So I'm only gonna say this once: if I catch any you three messing with my homey, I'm gonna turn you into the little girls that you are. Then it'll be the 'princess-Yuri-fan-club'! Are we clear?"

The second in command couldn't keep a straight face, "Y-y-you can't scare us!"

The trio was now complete with the appearance of Sora Hanajima.

"Then maybe a [**BEEP**] burn mark will suffice." This wouldn't have been taken seriously as a threat if it weren't for the miniature torch in his hand.

The fan club went into a three person race. Destination: the hell away from them!

Akira patted Tohru's back now entering class, "So how long have the three stooges been bothering you?"

"Not that long. It's alright."

"Okay, but if anybody needs an ass-whipping, just tell me!" Looking to the pyromaniac, "Sora, put the Crème brulee torch away before you get suspended."

Tohru was a little more concerned about how his friend snuck it into school.

"Uh, Sora. Why do you have that?" he asked.

Sora responded with very little emotion, "Don't worry, I took my medicine."

Akira got to his seat, "Thank God."

Tohru ignored the fact that Sora didn't answer his question because he did give a good answer.

The meds were actually the reason behind his lack of personality. So by taking them, Sora should have no need for the torch. Of course, he shouldn't have it at all. But Tohru doesn't exactly know how to play with a full deck.

Arika Uotani has the classic bad-to-the-bone tone of voice to go with his short spikey blonde hair. Almost 1-foot-taller than Tohru, making him the tallest person in class, the 'Yankee' is obviously the strongest man as well.

Sora Hanajima: the school 'psycho-pyro'. Well, that is if he's not one his medicine. Pitch black hair in a military bald-fade and dark purple eyes. Plain clothes, plain voice, plain uniform, just fully plain. The shortest of Tohru's friends at 5'2.

!

In the middle of the night, Shigure & Yuki walk home after enjoying, yet another, fast food meal.

Yuki sighed, "Take out every night is no way to live!"

Shigure spoke in her normal happy tone, "Then how about you try to cook something like a normal girl? I swear Yuki, you are such a tomboy!" The corner of Shigure's eye caught a certain cat-fan. "Speaking of boys. Was that Tohru Honda?"

"Of course you remember a cute little boy, wouldn't you?" Yuki asked jokingly.

"Don't act all high n' mighty. You know he's sexy!"

Yuki changed the subject before she grew angry, "What's he doing here on Sohma property?"

"Now that I remember, he was walking in the woods when we meet." Connecting two and two together, the two decided to silently follow Tohru. Having the senses of animals, it was pretty easy.

The cousins followed Tohru until they saw him enter a small tent.

Shigure scratched her arms standing at the unzipped door, "My, my, my. What the hell is this?"

Yuki whispered, "I heard his father died earlier this year. So, I guess he's an orphan and is staying here."

Shigure grew teary, "How sad." But then she thought, "How about we let him stay with us?"

"Why? So you can molest him?"

Smiling, "Well, I guess we can just learn to cook and clean up that horrible dump of a house then."

Yuki visualized how hard it would be to escape an avalanche of garbage, and came to a decision. "A housekeeper is fine."

The boy in question finally surfaced talking to himself, "I'm gonna wash up."

Cupping Mr. Honda's cheeks, "Need some help with that my pup?"

The only thing missing from Yuki's missile dropkick was Jerry 'The King' and 'Good Old' J.R.'s commentary.

!

Inside the house, Yuki explained while Shigure held ice to her back, "All this land is Sohma property. So it didn't make much sense that we suddenly had a new neighbor."

Tohru had his head down in embarrassment, "I'm sorry. I don't have much money, but I can pay rent."

"It's dangerous out there Mr. Honda." Yuki stated.

Shigure whined, "It's dangerous here too. I mean, one minute you're joking with a friend. The next, Yuki goes 'Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson' on you."

Balling his fist, "I don't mind if some 'Rock person' attacks me! I'm a man! I can fend for myself!" The Sohma cousins snickered and shifted away from Tohru's naive mistake. "Did I say something wrong?"

The comic relief was interrupted by the dark cry of a wolf.

The dog changed faces for a more serious tone, "There's been a land slide."

"Wha-?"

"Call it 'animal instinct' Tohru." Shigure teased.

"Was it near the camp site?" he asked.

"Well, it would've been if we hadn't packed it up for you." With the signs of a storm approaching, Yuki & Tohru packed up the tent and gear and brought it into the house. According to Shigure, if they hadn't then Tohru would've had to dig out his homework and father's picture.

Yuki pushed her point even further, "See Mr. Honda. It's not safe outside. Besides, it's late. So you can stay with us."

Too tired to argue and with the rain beginning to come down, Tohru had no way to argue against staying.

"O-okay. I'll stay for tonight."

Yuki smiled, "I'll take your stuff into the guest room."

Acting on chivalry, "No, no. Please. I'll carry it." Tohru grabbed a portion of his possessions and followed Yuki upstairs who had already cuffed the tent and mini dresser.

"It's okay Mr. Honda. I can bench press,"

"215 pounds." Tohru said without thinking.

Dumbfounded, "...uh."

Feeling even more embarrassed, "So I've heard!"

!

Tohru had a dream of the story his father would tell him as a child.

'_A long, long time ago, God decided to invite all of the animals to a banquet. He sent out word for all of them to come to his house the following evening, 'And don't be late!' he said. When the mischievous rat heard the news, he decided to play a trick on his neighbor, the cat. He told the cat that the party was the day after tomorrow. The very next day, all of the animals lined up for the celebration. The rat led the way, riding all the way there on the back of the cow. Everyone had a wonderful time._

_Except for the cat._

_Who missed the whole thing.'_

_Tohru started to cry as his father asked, 'What's the matter son?'_

'_That poor little kitty! He must've been so lonely!' Tohru stood up finding a naïve motivation. 'I know, I'll stop being a year of the dog and I'll be a cat!'_

_His father, Kyoya, needed to get some sleep for work, 'You can be a cock for all I care. I'm going to bed.'_

!

"**WAKEY! WAKEY! MOUSEY!**" Through the roof crashed an extraordinary beautiful young woman.

Around Yuki and Tohru's age, she stood at about 5 feet tall in her chain-mail pants, sports bra and leather vest. This girl had six-pack abs that rivaled Tohru's muscles. Her orangish-red hair only went down to her shoulders in a pony-tail. She had one hand on her nice hips and an attractive 32-C bust.

Tohru, despite being woken up in a rough manner, was blushing at the heavy metal warrior before him.

"Yuki!" Shigure called. "Please tell me that wasn't Kaede destroying my roof."

"Let me check." Yuki entered Tohru's temporary room rather casually. "Mr. Honda, this is my cousin Kaede Sohma."

Kaede interrupted, "Shut up you damn mouse! I'm here to kick your scrawny ass once and for all!"

Yuki didn't seem to register what Kaede said, "…This may be a little off topic, but are you good at digging holes?"

Confused, "Wha? Uh, yeah. Why?"

"I mean other than the one you've dug yourself into by pissing me the hell off."

"Screw you!" Kaede charged towards her rival, forgetting Tohru was on the floor. "Oh crap!"

POOF!

An orange smoke clouded Tohru. It dissolved into a visible mist that showed…a cat?

"What?" Tohru asked. Picking the girl up, "Um, where'd you come from little guy?"

Feeling insulted, "I'm a girl dumbass!"

"AHHHH!" Tohru yelled jumping up. "Yuki! Your pet cat is talking to me!"

"I'm not a mouse's pet!" Kaede argued.

"Mouse?" Tohru repeated setting Kaede down.

Yuki stuttered backing into the hall, "Mr. Honda? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Taking a shot in the dark, "I'm gonna hug you."

POOF!

The statement was followed by a purple fog. Underneath the school uniform was a small bulge looking for an exit. Coming from under the skirt was…sure enough, a lavender colored mouse.

"Alright! Desert!" Kaede got into the feline pouncing position.

Honda pivoted to her pointing down to the floor and commanded, "No! Kaede, sit!" On instinct, the orange feline did as ordered.

"Wow." The mouse was stunned, "Is that all it took?"

Shigure picked up Yuki and Kaede coming into the room, "No use hiding it anymore." She placed the two on the dresser and focused on the cute boy. "Tohru. We're all animals."

POOF!

The embrace brought a black cloud into the room. Under Tohru's legs was an adult Akita-species dog.

"Specifically, we're the animals from the Chinese zodiac."

Tohru, still tired, impersonated his father, "I'm going back to bed."

END

Kaede: Why didn't I keep my name!?

Jet: Because Tohru's mom's name was 'Kyoko' which is the female version of your name. So to avoid confusion, I removed 'Kyo' completely from your name. Make sense?

Kaede: Piss off!


	2. Chapter 2

Jet: And Action!

Yuki:…I'm not doing it.

Jet: Fine, you don't get paid.

Yuki:…

Jet: I'll turn you into a mouse and let Kaede loose in there.

Yuki:…

Jet: I'll tell your fan-boys know about the Sohma cur-

Yuki: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Thank you my Princess.

Yuki:…Go to hell!

Ch. 2: Drama Unfolds

"Okay, so let me get this straight." Tohru was sitting lackadaisically facing the three Sohma animals, "You three turn into animals of the Chinese zodiac when hugged by a boy. Shigure is the dog. Yuki is the mouse. Kaede is the cat. Other than you three, there're ten other 'members of zodiac' who are cursed. Is that everything?"

Kaede snapped, "That's what Shigure just said! Are you deaf!?" Shigure growled intimidatingly sending Kaede into the corner in fear. Dogs and cats don't like each other the same way mice run from cats. But you already knew that.

Done dealing with her cousin's rudeness, "Just about." Shigure continued, "The other way we can transform is if we're under a lot of stress."

"Any powers?" Tohru asked.

Yuki responded, "Not really. We can communicate with our respective animals when in our animal forms. But that's about all we can do."

"How do you change back?" Tohru asked.

Shigure decided not to answer him. What she did was place one paw on Tohru's shoulder and led the unsuspecting boy to her furry chest.

"Uh?"

POOF!

Just like that, Tohru's face was smothered under two huge bouncy-bountiful apples!

"You have to have a cute boy touch your-" Bang! Before Shigure could finish the lie, the now human Yuki roundhouse kicked her into the closet.

Kaede shouted, "You sick pedophile!"

"Well that's one thing we agree on." Yuki mumbled to herself quickly putting on her clothes.

Kaede, now in human form as well, switched her attention back to Tohru. He was now facing the corner like a child on time out.

"Uh, dude," Kaede rested her hand on her bare hip, "you have two and a half hot naked chicks in front of you. You aren't even gonna try to catch a sneak peek at us?"

His voice was muffled a bit from the wall, "No. It's fine. I'll be a gentleman and I promise I won't look. Just go ahead and get dressed please."

Kaede shrugged it off and finished putting her punk rock clothes back on.

"Excuse me, Kaede." Yuki alerted now in her school uniform, "What exactly did you mean by 'two and a half'?"

The cat scoffed, "Isn't it obvious you B-cup bitch?"

Now, the mouse was angry.

"Call me 'flat-chested' one more time and see what happens."

"I already did!"

Kaede & Yuki were butting heads in a interlocked glare that defined 'if looks could kill'. "What're you gonna do about it, tomboy?" the cat sneered.

"Did the skank in chainmail pants just call me a 'tomboy'? I'm sorry, but at least I dress like a girl!"

Tohru got between the two girls and shouted, "That's enough!"

Yuki was caught off guard by the normally passive boy. Kaede was just enraged even further since she was given an order from somebody she didn't know.

"Look, I understand that family members fight, but you two are taking this too far. When we get home from school we can all sit down and talk about…**SCHOOL! OH MAN! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE! I GOTTA GET DRESSED! I GOTTA EAT BREAKFAST! OH NO! I DON'T TIME FOR THAT! I'M GONNA BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!**"

Shigure casually tapped Tohru on the shoulder, "Calm down my little pup! I'll give you and Yuki a ride. Just get dressed." She then grabbed Kaede's ear and lifted until the kitty was on her toes, "While I'm gone, you're going to fix my house. If you don't then Akito is gonna hear about every last detail. Are we clear?"

"Alright! Alright! Just let me go!" Kaede only admitted defeat out of annoyance.

Tohru was a little too busy getting his uniform on to notice what was going on behind him. Yuki however was cringing in fear at the name stated. Even more so at the possible outcome.

!

"Sora!" the teacher yelled, "The flames are not supposed to be up that high! Turn you're stove down now!"

Home economics class, and Sora's skillet was engulfed in flames. Smoke was beginning to surface and Sora was just watching the growing ember.

Before the blaze spread any further, Tohru grabbed the fire extinguisher. Akira moved Sora out of the path of the chemical stream. After thirty seconds the foam safely doused the fire doing its job. The counter was now coated in white smoke

The teacher smiled, "Thank you Tohru!"

Modestly, "No problem sensei."

Akira was now scolding his friend, "Sora! What the hell were you thinking!?"

Replying blankly, "I was trying to have a grill."

Tohru wore a quizzical expression, "I don't think you're supposed to grill rice."

The teacher exclaimed, "You're also not supposed to set the stove on fire." Switching students, "Tohru, would you mind taking Sora to the principal's office?"

!

Tohru was outside in the hall after fulfilling his teacher's orders.

A sweet voice called, "Mr. Honda."

He turned to see the lovely Yuki patiently waiting against the wall.

"Did you tell anyone about us?" she asked.

"No, of course not." He smiled innocently, "Who'd believe me? Besides, I don't gossip. You're secrets safe with me."

The mouse sighed in relief, "Thank you. But I don't think that'll be enough."

The stress she carried caught Tohru's attention.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Only a few people outside the Sohma family know about the curse. When they found out, the head of the family had to decide if they were a liability. If they could benefit to us, then they were allowed to know. If not, then their memories were erased. I'm just wondering if…you'll be one of those people too."

"So it's happened before?" he stated rhetorically, "People have found out and had their memories erased?"

Yuki began her story, "When I was in elementary school, this teacher hugged me because I gave him an apple. The entire class watched a cloud of smoke create a little mouse in their teacher's arms. Of course, just because a child says 'they won't tell anyone', that doesn't mean they're going to keep that promise. The entire class had to be hypnotized." She looked up into Tohru's brown eyes, "I'm not calling you a child Mr. Honda, but…Akito might."

"Akito?"

Yuki let out some air turning away, "The head of the Sohma family. I know that Shigure is talking with Akito right now." She took a few steps hoping he wouldn't hear her, "I just hope that, you'll be able to remember me."

Tohru, hearing the ach in Yuki's voice, leant the struggling girl a comforting hand.

"You know, I'm not upset." he said. Yuki glanced at the large and soft grasp Tohru had on her shoulder.

"I mean, we can still hang out. We'll still walk to school together. We'll still be friends. So, the only difference is that I won't know why we have a 'no hug' policy. Just tell me that you have rare skin condition. I'm sure that I'll believe you."

Yuki chuckled at the solution, "Okay." She turned around to face Tohru, "It's a deal."

!

Now home from school, Yuki & Tohru headed to their separate rooms. The difference for Tohru was that he got a glimpse of a very fit cat in baggy gym shorts and a tank top on a ladder finishing the roof.

Trying to be get her attention, "Uh, hello Kae-"

"I heard you guys come in so don't bother." Kaede rudely interrupted. "Your name's 'Tohru Honda' right?"

"Yes."

Kaede, done with her repairs, got off the ladder with an attitude, "It's a patch job that'll keep the rain and snow out. It defiantly won't hold for six months, but it'll last until the New Year unless you mess with it. Call a pro if you don't like it."

"I think a sky light is cool. Thanks." Tohru said trying to be cheery.

Kaede's scowl was still in effect despite the compliment.

"Listen, about this morning. When I get mad, I forget stuff and…I'm trying to say that-"

The front door burst open and Shigure's voice traveled upstairs, "Kaede! Akito wants you at the main house so come get in the car so we can go!"

"Why!?" she shouted.

Messing with her cousin, "Maybe it has something to do with you going Houdini for three months you stupid cat!"

Kaede stomped downstairs, "Don't call be stupid ya damn dog!"

All alone now, Tohru hummed to himself, "Well aren't they lovely."

!

"Yuki! Dinner's ready." When the princess came down to the call, she was presented with a floor that she could see, a wall with no grime, a sink with no dishes, a polished table, and freshly cooked food sitting on it.

Stunned, "How'd you do this in three hours?"

"I'm a janitor at an office building. This was easy. I'll get into cleaning all the rooms tomorrow." He took a lot of pride in the fact that he could cook and clean so quickly.

"What about the food?"

"The rice cooker is really good."

Sitting down, "We have a rice cooker?"

Just as Tohru sat down with Yuki, like before, the front door flew open wildly.

Kaede stormed away from her older cousin, "Shut up! I don't wanna hear this!"

Easily following her in high-heels, "Oh yeah! It's my fault you passed an entrance exam! And take off your shoes!"

"You're setting a fine example." Yuki teased.

Tohru asked hoping for a nice response, "Kaede, are you hungry? I cooked-"

"Shut up ya dumbass!" Leaving a harsh answer, Kaede slammed the door to her new room.

Shigure scratched her head, "Agh! That cat is really starting to piss me...when did we get a rice cooker?"

"Mr. Honda cleaned the kitchen and made dinner." Yuki answered.

Sitting down, Shigure took off her jacket and shoes, "A man who can cook and clean. I think I'm in love."

Tohru attempted to cheer himself up, "Well, you wanted a housekeeper. So here I am."

The oldest Sohma reinsured the young man, "Don't mind Kaede my little pup. She's just mad about her punishment. She'll get over it."

"Punishment?" he quoted.

"You see, she was missing for about three months. She didn't say where she went and she just up and left. Then, there was crashing my roof to make it worse."

"What was all that about an entrance exam?" Yuki asked.

Shigure, obviously nervous, hesitated before speaking, "Before I tell you what Akito decided as the punishment, you can't get mad at me."

"What entrance exam?" she repeated sternly.

Shigure tried to make it seem like it wasn't her fault, "First of all…I tried to talk Akito out of putting Kaede in the same high school as you."

Angrily, "You lie!"

Not even trying to hide her smirk, "I did!"

"So Kaede will be going to school with us then?" Tohru confirmed.

"Akito isn't that forgiving." Yuki pondered, "What else got under that cat's skin?"

This was what Shigure was scared of.

"Well…you see, Kaede will be staying here as punishment for being mad about going to school with you."

No words or hesitation, Yuki got up not wanting to hear any more bad news. She charged out leaving an awkward silence amongst Shigure & Tohru.

"They really don't like each other." Tohru stated blandly.

"I'm a dog and Yuki is the mouse. We have our occasional arguments but we still have a mutual respect for each other. Kaede & I naturally argue and go against one another since we're a cat and a dog. But the true enemies are a cat and mouse. It's generational. There isn't much we can do about it."

Tohru's head went down to his food. It was hard for him to believe that two people, relatives non-the-less, can hate one another on instinct.

Taking notice, Shigure tried to cheer him up in her own little controversial way.

"It's as natural," Shigure lifted the pup's chin to hers, "as a man and a woman." She gave off a very seductive grin, "I know you're a cat fan, so I'll let you use mine anytime you want."

The door opened with Yuki executing her 'to kill a pedophile' battle plan:

Arrive

Stomp Shigure into the table

Leave

END

Yuki: Remind me to never work for you again.

Jet: Well Excuuuuuuuuse me! Princess!


	3. Chapter 3

Jet: And action!

Kaede:…

Jet: You're gonna be like that aren't you?

Kaede:

Jet: Come on! Cat got your tongue? (Drum snare)

Kaede:

Jet: Come on you pussy-cat! (Drum snare)

Kaede:

Jet: Want some fish?

Kaede: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Thank you!

Kaede: Where's my salmon?

Jet: Hell if I know.

Ch.3: Here Kitty-Kitty!

Kaede could hear all of the boys in the class talking about her.

"Dude, is that the princess's cousin?"

"Ah man! She's got a poppin' body!"

"What's with the orange hair?"

"I think it's pretty hot."

"Hot? Dude, she's freaking smokin'!"

She was okay with the first few couple of guys talking about her body. It became annoying when the comments were directed toward her lower regions. Now, it was starting to piss her off.

"Damn!" Akira said, "I thought Yuki was cute! Kaede is just,"

"Just what?" Yuki asked teasingly as she appeared behind him.

"Sorry princess. I just gotta ask, do you two do each other's hair 'er something? I mean you both got some long locks."

"No, we don't even talk." Yuki had a false smile that Tohru easily saw through. It was obvious that she was hiding emotions that were well beyond anger.

!

"Get lost." Kaede ordered.

In the hall during passing period, the cat was being hit on. Once again, by a boy.

"Come on Kaede." The horny teen pushed on, "I can show you a good time."

Kaede fixing her ponytail trying not to give him too much attention, "If I didn't say yes to the seven other boys in class, what the hell makes you think I'll go out with you?"

"Who said anything about a date?" The foolish boy caressed her shoulders creating a chill, "I was hoping we could just go right to bed."

-Please Stand By-

Clutching his genitals, the boy laid on the floor screaming while rolled in a ball.

"**SHE BROKE MY D#CK! YUKI'S COUSIN BROKE MY D#CK!**" Yeah, Kaede is that kind of fighter.

She faced to the crowd making her proclamation to the school, "Anyone else want some?!" She spread her arms out for invitation, "Just keep bothering me when I say 'leave me alone' and you'll end up like 'Casanova' here!"

"Kaede!" The wrathful cat girl was interrupted by the lavender haired mouse of the zodiac.

Kaede cracked her knuckles, "Finally, some excitement!"

"I'm no fighting you. Now go to class!"

"Make me!"

The crowd started to get involved.

"Hey Kaede, try to calm down."

"Yeah, she's just trying to help."

"Don't yell at your cousin like that."

Insults. That's all it was to her. The pleas of peace were translated into taunts for Kaede. The more people that got involved, were just added voices that pushed Kaede closer and closer to a brink of madness.

Until, "**SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!**"

Kaede ran to the nearest open window and leaped out with no hassle! Landing on the ground, she took off running away from the problem she herself caused.

"Dude! Did she just fall out of the second story window?" one student asked.

"Yeah! It was awesome!"

"Ugh, I think I can walk now."

!

Yuki managed to follow Kaede to an absent corner outside the school before it was too late.

"I said stop you stupid cat!" she called for a third time.

Halting in captive fury, "Call me 'stupid' one more time."

Yuki crossed her arms under her small bust, "You are! Do you realize that everything you do here reflects my reputation as a student council member? And you can't get into fights with boys or else you'll turn into your animal form!"

"Like I give a damn! It's your fault anyway!" she snapped.

Yuki stepped in front of Kaede making sure she couldn't run off, "How is it my fault if you turn into a stupid cat?!"

That was the last straw, "DON'T CALL ME STUPID!"

POOF!

An orange cloud blocked Yuki's vision. When it cleared, at kitty-Kaede was in the arms of the schoolboy Tohru.

"Mr. Honda?" Yuki stated wondering how he got there with neither of the Sohma girls noticing. Then again, their argument was getting pretty bad.

"Yuki, when you push someone like that, you're not getting your point across. You're only making more problems. And Kaede, you do have a…'condition'. If your cousin is trying to,"

Scratch!

The cat swiped the boy's face causing him to drop her. Having left Tohru is shock and pain, she bolted right underneath Yuki's skirt and ran off.

"Mr. Honda! Are you alright?" Yuki asked rushing to her.

Covering the wounded cheek, "If fine." Tohru couldn't help but wonder, '_so this is the cat I wanted to be like?_'

!

"Well, well, well Kaede." Shigure said still reading her paper. "You trained for three months in the mountains with Kaname-sensei, and then you run home after three hours of school."

Kaede, now in human form and in clothes, lay on the floor staring at the ceiling in self-pity, "Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system."

"Not a very good comeback." Shigure said sarcastically. "It's not even close to how you treat Tohru. You really outa apologize."

"I know! It's just…you know. I can't stand…not knowing what to say to someone. Then I get mad and,"

"Then you scratch a cute boy."

Aggravated, "I didn't mean to…I was trying to get him off me. I didn't mean to…"

"Scratch him?" the dog finished.

"I don't think I'm cut out for other people." Kaede sighed.

"Well duh!" Shigure blurted. "Life is like a book. You have to go through some really awful chapters to get to the best ones. But if you put the book down because the hook was terrible, you'll never find out how it ends. So keep reading. There just might be a happy and wonderful ending waiting for you."

Kaede listened to her cousin's shockingly wise words. All she's really done was yell when things got hard. She didn't try to make it better. She just locked herself away from the rest of the world.

"I'm certain you could break this table in half. But I'm also certain you could build an even more beautiful table. Now which would you prefer?"

Finding some piece of optimism, Kaede kicked-up and headed toward the door, "I'm gonna go make it up."

"To who?" Shigure asked.

Stopping at the door, "What?"

Sohma counted off Kaede's sin tally, "Well, you attacked a boy. Which I don't blame you for. But you went too far by…ya know. Then, you insulted Yuki when she was trying to explain something important to you. Yes, she did egg you on. But like I said, try building a table instead of breaking it. Then you scratched Tohru."

"Okay! We covered that already! I'll say sorry to that boy tomorrow and I'm going to Tohru now."

"What about Yuki?"

"What about that damn mouse!?"

Slam!

Shigure sighed getting back to her paper, "One step at a time I guess."

!

Walking home from work, Tohru could barely move his face with that bandage. The extra load of work turned his arms into noodles. His day wasn't done, he still had to cook dinner. Tohru was especially not looking forward to meeting Kaede.

"Man it's dark!" he said out loud. The escalating trees towered over him. The looming silence stunned Tohru into fear. '_I-I-I-I'm a-a-a-a man. I-I-I-I can h-a-a-a-ndle this! It's j-j-j-just some t-t-trees_.'

A sudden whisper alerted the boy, "Tohru."

"**GHAAAA!**" Tohru gave Kaede every indication that he should be on the track team. She stood there watching the housekeeper make a mad dash through the trees.

"Damn, I thought Shigure was fast."

!

Speak of the devil, "What's wrong my little pup?" Tohru stood there panting. After all, he just finished a marathon. "Did you see a wolf?" He shook his head. "Did a stranger try to attack you?" He nodded. Shigure mumbled something angrily followed by, "Yuki, get my rifle!"

"The 97 automatic canon or the 'Elephant gun', .55 inch." she replied from upstairs.

"B.L.C!"

"97 it is."

Kaede wondered in with a grim look, "Sorry for scaring you."

"Oh that was you?" Tohru was now embarrassed.

Connecting the dots, "Nevermind! It's just Kaede!"

".55 then!" Yuki (half) joked. The Honda boy was speechless at the casual conversation over guns.

"Oh YEAH!" Kaede shouted, "HOW About you…" Shigure & Kaede made eye contact for a brief second. The cat turned to see the patch on Tohru's face. "Listen Tohru…I'm sorry about…ya know…scratching you. I was trying to make a table and I…no wait! I mean…you're like a book. No! I mean, life is like a table er…something. Uh, what I'm trying to say is…what am I saying? I guess." She whispered down, "Shigure help me out here."

Blandly talking aloud, "Tohru, what I'm trying to say is 'I love you. I'll happily bear your child'."

"Thanks." Back to Tohru, "Tohru, what I'm trying to say is I love you and I'll happily bear your child." Shigure snickered as Tohru stuttered. Blood dribbled from his nose at the thought. What's worse Kaede still didn't realize what she had said.

"Uh…Shigure." Tohru called for assistance.

"Give her a minute."

Kaede's brain:

Loading:…...!

Done!

"**YOU DAMN DOG!**"

END

Kaede: Where's my fish!?

Jet: You can buy salmon at the dollar tree these days.

Kaede:...Shigure! Where's that B.L.C!?

Shigure: With Team Four Star!


	4. Chapter 4

Jet: And Action!

Shigure: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Thanks Shigure.

Shigure: No problem. So what animal are you?

Jet: You (meaning a dog).

Shigure: No not me, you.

Jet: Yes, I'm you.

Shigure: Just answer the damn question! What are you!?

Jet: I just told you!

Shigure: Are you deaf?

Jet: No! You're blind!

Shigure: I'm not blind! You're blind!

Jet: That's what I just said!

Shigure: You just said 'what'!

Jet: I didn't say 'what'! I said 'you'!

Shigure: That's what I'm asking you!

Jet: And you're answering!

Shigure: Shut Up!

Ch. 4. You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog!

"I'm sorry." Two words Yuki is all too familiar with.

It makes sense why boys ask her out all the time. Her nice nature welcomes them in. Her small attractive body gives them something to imagine. Why wouldn't a boy like her?

The boy she just turned down sure did like her.

"I see." he said heartbroken, "There's someone else."

"Oh no. It's not that." Yuki said to cheer him up.

"Then, what is it about me that you don't like?" he asked.

Now caught in a corner, "It's nothing really. I don't hate anything about you."

"Then why'd you say no?"

"Well, it's just that I don't want a relationship right now."

Now he was agitated, "If you don't want a relationship, then why do you act the way you do?"

"Excuse me?" Yuki asked taking a step back.

"Don't give me that crap!" He snapped leading her backwards, "You must be some kinda bitch! How can you smile and act so nice if you're not lookin' for some action! The way you strut that ass of yours tends to say, 'I want a man'! And you're gonna give me some B-S about 'I don't wanna guy'?"

A raspy male voice came into the argument, "Yuki!" Tohru called. "Is everything alright?"

The second the boy saw Tohru walk up to Yuki, he walked away in fear of getting into a fight.

Tohru wasn't into intimidation. But when you're muscles are big enough to outline your shirt, it's easy to send that message without trying.

Sighing in relief, "Thank you Mr. Honda." Yuki placed her hand on her chest feeling the terror pass as she breathed out.

"Was that guy bothering you Yuki?"

"Yes, but it's fine now that you're here." Yuki realized what she had just said. More specifically, what the boy was ranting about. She was leading someone on without trying too.

Tohru smiled flexing his arm, "Don't you worry Yuki. If any boys give you trouble, just come to me and I'll help you out!" Maybe Tohru was into intimidation?

!

"Pfft! Ha! Ha!" Kaede smacked the desk after hearing the story. "You gotta be kidding! You're a total 'princess'! You couldn't even fight the guy! Busboy here had to bail you out!"

Yuki pouted, "Well at least I know how to get out of a situation without fighting! Stupid cat."

"You trying to pick a fight?" Kaede snared.

Akira was becoming irritated, "Well, I'm trying to finish our damn game!"

The two teens were the last in the class's poker tournament. Kaede & Akira had gone through six other competitors each to get to this point. The cashing: 200 cookies!

Kaede Sohma turned back to the game. Akira Uotani had a gleaming smile. The Sohma carried a basic glare. With her cousin in the corner of her eye, she developed a horrible idea to win.

"Wanna make this interesting…Akira?" she asked

"What'd ya have in mind…Kaede?" he responded.

The cat leaned over the table, making sure her breasts were in the schoolboy's view. She licked her lips seductively. Her eyes went into a half-lidded position.

Her voice was sultry, "If you win…then I'll give you a big sloppy kiss as a reward."

Akira blushed heavily as the class went, 'ooooooo'! Even Tohru was in shock by her new attitude! Yuki caught on and was secretly humiliated by this.

"Deal!" Uotani barked. He didn't want to seem aroused, but that was impossible.

The classmates, not wanting to waste time revealed their cards.

Kaede let her hand down, "Like my hand, I'm the queen!" Dual queens of the club and heart!

Akira chuckled, "Like my hand, I'm an ace!" Heart & diamond ace cards!

Not only did Kaede lose all her cookies (get your mind out of the gutter), now she had to give up her first kiss!

"Pucker up Ms. Sohma!" Akira taunted with a toothy grin.

Frustrated from the fact that she's an honorable person, Kaede decided to follow up on her loss.

"Fine!" she snarled.

Kaede reached across the table, cuffed Akira's cheeks and decided to plunge right into it.

Akira's finger pressed against her lips stopping her, "Physic!" The class went into an uproar at the insult! "Sorry hon', but I'm not all that into you."

Part of Kaede was thanking God that she didn't have to surrender her first kiss under such circumstances! The other half of her was enraged at being turned down.

"Aw! Kaede, I'll give you a kiss!" another boy taunted.

"Yeah right! Like we were serious!" she replied. Akira & Kaede's silent agreement was to make it seem as if they were both joking the whole time.

!

"You sure you don't want my help?" Tohru asked. Kaede had played another game and had lost another game. This time, her punishment was to sweep up the class by herself.

"I'm fine. A loss is a loss." Kaede said. "Next time I'll beat Akira!" Facing Yuki who was reading a book, "Just like one day I'll beat the Minnie Mouse crap out of you!"

Still reading, "Wait, wait! I think I've heard this one before!"

"No joke asshole!"

"Try keeping it PG-13. We don't wanna get in trouble."

"Do I look like I give a rat's ass!?"

"What's new pussy cat?"

Cocking her hand back for a punch, "Don't call me a [Meow]!"

Tohru intervened, "Kaede Sit!" As ordered, the zodiac animal's butt hit the floor.

"How do you keep doing that!?" she yelled.

"You're a stupid cat. I think it's pretty self-explanatory." Yuki mocked.

"Oh, yeah! Well at least I don't have my housekeeper fight my battles for me!"

"That's enough!" Tohru shouted. "Both of you! Yuki, why do you keep egging her on like that? You know it's not worth your time so don't waste it. Kaede, it makes no sense for you to start these fights for no reason. I know you don't like her, but can you at least try not to fight Yuki?"

Standing up in protest, "Why should I try to be nice to a bitch with a fake smile!?"

Yuki had heard enough. She slammed the book shut and headed for the door.

"Yuki?" Tohru went after her for a few steps.

"I'm going home. Don't you have to be at work in a little while?" she asked. Honda realized that she wanted to be alone. Respecting her personal space, Tohru let the princess walk away.

"Kaede!" he called, "Sit!"

"Ow! That hurt!"

!

"Hello Mr. Honda." Tohru had just gotten off his shift to find the beauty that was Yuki Sohma outside.

"Yuki? What're you doing here?"

"I need some advice on something. So I was hoping we could walk and talk."

"That and you didn't want to be around Kaede?" Tohru deduced. Yuki chuckled as the two began the walk. "What's up?"

The voices of Kaede & the schoolboy raced in her mind.

"Do you think I'm a bad person?" Yuki asked.

Surprised, "No! Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm not a nice person." The princess tilted her head down in shame, "I only act nice so people will like me better."

"But…don't people like you already? I mean the guy from this morning seemed to like you." The boy wasn't doing a good job of cheering Yuki up. But she did understand that he was trying.

"Not like that. What I mean is,"

POOF!

Yuki, not paying attention, bumped into a drunk pedestrian!

"Da hell?" the man said suddenly surrounded by a purple fog.

"Thank You! Thank you!" Tohru shouted holding the mouse over his school briefcase as if it was a mini-stage. "I am street performer, 'Chain-smoker-the-magnificent'! I have just turned my assistant into a mouse! I think that deserves some applause!" Yuki squirmed around to make the 'trick' seem more realistic.

The man gazed at the improve show, "That's awesome but I spent all my money at the *hic* bar."

!

Carrying Yuki home through the woods to make sure she didn't change back, Tohru's smile vanished.

"So what makes you such a bad person?"

The mouse spoke, "I'm only nice because I want people to be nice back. When Kaede said I have a 'fake smile', she was right. The boys flirt with me because I'm always smiling. But it's only to get others to smile. In reality…my face hurts. Now I realize how selfish I've been. I've been lying to everyone about who I am. I'm not the 'innocent school girl'. You've seen that when I'm around Kaede & Shigure."

"You've got a point." Tohru said. He couldn't deny that she's a different person around her family. "So, I guess the real question is, 'who is Yuki Sohma'?" Yuki looked up seeing the boy's chin, "Is she nice on her own?"

Struggling to answer, "I wanna be."

"Then what's stopping you?" Tohru's Q & A was taking a weird turn Yuki didn't recognize.

"You're a guy. Don't you want a girl to be nice to you?"

"Well, let's say you were my girlfriend Yuki. I'd want you to be honest over anything. That way I would know how you're truly feeling. If you were only nice all the time, then I wouldn't know who you really are. Besides, I accept you for you. 'When you pretend to be someone for the sake of others, you only cause more grief for yourself. When you pretend to be someone you don't like, you'll only attract people you don't like. If you want to be accepted by people like you, then you just have to accept yourself.' Make sense?"

Yuki found herself in tears. Not sure what specific line tapped into her, but Tohru's advice hit her hard. As if the burden she held for years had finally been released from her grasp!

"Oh no!" Tohru stopped setting the crying mouse down, "Are you okay? I didn't mean to upset you! I was just trying to help!"

"Thank you." Yuki mumbled under the tears. "Thank you so much!"

Wiping the mouse's cheek, Tohru let his palm out for Yuki to climb. With that, they went forward.

End

Jet: When I was younger and I was the loner wanting to be accepted by the other kids, I thought about watching the shows they did. Even though I didn't like those shows. I wanted to dress like them. Even though sagging pants wasn't my thing. On top of that, I didn't even like the kids I was trying to hang out with. I hated myself for trying to be a sellout. Then, I realized, 'When you pretend to be someone for the sake of others, you only cause more grief for yourself. When you pretend to be someone you don't like, you'll only attract people you don't like. If you want to be accepted, than accept yourself.'

Shigure: You mind if I use that in one of my books?

Jet: No…where's Kaede?

Shigure: Hiding.

Jet: Why?

Shigure: Kaito is up next.

Jet: This isn't a 'Green-Hornet' Fan-fic.

Shigure: No, Kagura.

Jet: What's 'Azumanga Dioh' have to do with this?

Shigure:…

Jet: Oh that Kagura!


End file.
